The problem with my future


One day, I’ll finally have a boyfriend,

one day, I’d have everything I ever wanted, I’ll be happy, I’d have more friends, you know, real friends, the kind I can actually share a bond with.

One day I’d be more confident, bold, more outgoing, ever so slightly Provocative. I’d be more myself, perpetually displaying a prominent middle finger for the whole world to see

I’d definitely be social, never an anomaly again. I’d be more extroverted,

maybe I’m kind of delusional, but one day, I wouldn’t be so ordinary.

I’d finally have a life worth living,

That change that I seek would come, someday, I don’t know how, or when, but it will.

And when it comes, it will sweep me off my tiny little feet, trumpets blazing, crowds screaming, music everywhere. Adore me universe, my very own la-la land, where everything is perfect,

In the future.


Hello ant readers, it’s been a while since I showed my face anywhere, I ghosted out again, but I won’t apologize for that. I think it’s a character default, you know, always needing to get away from people and environment ever so constantly so I can recharge and not have to experience a mental or spiritual burnout.

A time well spent.

While I was on my little hiatus from well, everything, I did a little bit self-examination on my life, I’m 20 years old after all, with hopefully years of my life left to live.

When I was younger, say in my early teens, I used to look at my twenties and I’d fantasize about the woman I’d be, about the things I’d had accomplished by then, the places I’d visit or travel to since I was an adult, I thought I’d be a totally different person than I was; beautiful, smart, assertive, and without all my very real flaws that I had come to loathe.

Well, I’m 20 going on 21, and life is still pretty much the same.

I’m still left wishing, and hoping for that elusive future where everything would fall into place. Maybe in my 30s.

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Isn’t it quite convenient to get lost in our daydreams? Life is hard after all.

Our imaginations can be so powerful that whenever we are lost in it, our thoughts become reality.

We get to experience without really experiencing, how’s that for virtual reality.

We all have dreams, we’ve all got our dark fantasies that hopefully stay fantasies, some things are just better left in our heads where they belong.

Our dreams can be two things, an empowering wish that keeps us going even at our darkest hour, or our very own nightmare. The demon that attacks us as we helplessly lay lucid in our dreams.

we can become so caught up in the idea of the future that our current reality seizes to exist.

Do you know why it’s so easy and indulgent to just sit and daydream about what is yet to be? Because it gives pleasure without the immediate pain, it helps you escape your painful reality. This is innate to us humans.

But just with every other good thing in life, this also comes with its own ills.

We can get too consumed by this world we have created for ourselves, a world where we’d have more money, more status, friends, fame.

We can imagine ourselves finally moving to that foreign land where everyone just seems way happier, nicer, liberal, and romantic than the drab people who live in our dusty old town. Maybe we’d get to be different people there too.

All these hopes and dreams, but never a way to reconcile them to our current reality, if I can’t have it, I’ll imagine it, either in my head or through someone I believe has it all. Doesn’t matter if what I believe about those people is true or not.

I don’t want reality, I don’t want an actual person, hell no, give me anything but that. All I want is an empty screen to which I can project my deepest yearnings.

Billie eillish my future

I’ll see what I want to see, as long as I do not get to see what is.

we can talk all we want about how we’ll finally be able to be satisfied after we have gotten that which we think is missing from our lives in order for us to be happy.

But the pleasure we seek is never really found in the actualization but in the pursuit of it, the pursuit of happiness.

If this was not really the case, then we would all be able to find joy and content the moment we are finally able get what we had always “wanted”.

But the grass is always greener on the other side.

Wouldn’t it be nice, if we could finally be able to live in the moment, and not daydream so much about something possibly better lurking somewhere else, perhaps in the “future”?

Maybe we would finally be able to cherish our current time here on earth, knowing full well how fleeting it is as we become a master of the art of living in the present.

Maybe we’d be able to find a little bit of joy in the dusty old town, we might even be able to cherish our friends and family a little bit more, listening to them when they speak, rather than being lost in our thoughts, we humans sure love the sound of our own voice.

Nevertheless, when the illusion has been broken, one thing still remains the same,

There no future, there is only the past and now.


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5 Replies to “The problem with my future”

  1. Hey! As I read it and then reread it, I felt as if it’s me talking to myself. I have also built a virtual world where I have everything. I found your article very engaging and relatable.
    “But the pleasure we seek is never really found in the actualization but in the pursuit of it, the pursuit of happiness.” Bravo! Reminds of the merchant in The Alchemist.
    And yes the first line – ;‑)

    Liked by 1 person

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